Submission: The Journey

Submission…Cringe Worthy?

Submission–the very word makes some people cringe in this day and age. To each couple, submission can look different. To some it extends into the bedroom, to put it mildly. Of course, I am not here to discuss matters of the bedroom. Those types of things should remain private. To others, it is Biblical or spiritual.

The practice of submitting to a husband is, by many accounts, “outdated.” My view was shaped by my upbringing and personal choices. I watched what relationships flowed naturally and which ones did not. I saw the impact of dominant women upon men and family. I felt the hurt of trying to do things MY WAY.

I have always been old-fashioned, but I cannot say I was always submissive. In fact, I am ashamed to admit that I sometimes tried to force a square peg into a round hole with my husband. It makes me feel insecure to admit this. However, I am hoping that through my life lessons you can move forward in your own fulfilling path.

What is Submission?

So let us begin here. When you think submission, what comes to mind? Unfortunately for many, the idea of slavery, being lesser than the person you submit to comes to mind. Through a lot of modern feminist talk, submissiveness has become a word that makes many women cringe. Pornography does not help the stigma, considering there is an entire fetish based on sexual submission or domination. Not to say that your bedroom practices are not good if you are into that. What I am saying is that there is more to submission than Fifty Shades type material.

Recently, I asked my followers on twitter (@Homemakerstrong) what came to mind when it came to submission. I had both men and women answer this. In summary, it is more than one person uniting for a common cause, a gift you give someone you love and trust to guide you. It is putting their needs before your own. It is not a lifestyle that you can choose selectively, you must submit in all things. As the husband sets the mission for the family, it is the wife’s duty to submit herself to that end. She is to provide a sturdy foundation for her husband to act upon. (Courtesy of @Colby_Malsbury). “As guys we like to stop reading at ‘Wives, submit to your husbands’ forgetting that husbands are supposed to love wives sacrificial as Christ loved.” (Courtesy of @lkborgman). For many, not all, this submission is Biblical.

Learning Process

This is a learning process. As mentioned, I was not always submissive. I had a few different influences in my life that enabled who I was, but then as I grew wise, my grandmother enabled who I was to become. I tried to be what I used to consider strong. TRUST NO ONE. DO EVERYTHING ON YOUR OWN. YOUR WAY OR NO WAY. That was one example I had in my life, growing up. This sort of mentality clashed with my husband, especially when he came home from Iraq. He as a man realized the need to lead his household, to be a man, to protect and defend his castle, his queen. I resisted. We fought about that among other things. At the end of 2016, I hit rock bottom. I was crying nearly every day. I couldn’t keep up taking care of my husband wounded in combat, my children, my home, and any sort of semblance of activity for myself. I was miserable. Something had to change. So I chose to lean on my husband. I read THE SURRENDERED WIFE by Laura Doyle. I considered my Grandmother who was an amazing wife, mother, and grandmother and realized I was missing the key to life. I feel shamed to think of the woman I used to be, some of the poor examples I had to emulate. Now, my submission may look different than yours. That is okay. Some of my husband’s leadership is less physical and more giving me more sensible, orderly ways to get things done. Due to his disabilities, there is much that he cannot do. This in fact does sometimes leave a man’s work on my plate. I allow him to guide me in the proper way of getting those things done.

Benefits

Some of you may be asking, where can I as a woman possibly benefit from submission? What if he says something I do not like? Well, let me be the first to tell you that I am not perfect. I get uncomfortable still at times when he tells me to do something in a way other than what I envisioned. Yes, there are times I open my mouth in argument and resistance. Here is a major point that took me a while to learn. If he tells me something, and I comply (even if I disagree) and it goes horribly wrong…guess who that falls on? MY HUSBAND. So, it then takes further weight off my shoulders because HE is the one who must devise a plan to fix the problem. Now, if he told me to do something a certain way, I choose to do the opposite of what I have been told….it turns out poorly…it then is an added mess to my very busy life.

Myths

Here are some common myths I would like to dispel.

IF I AM SUBMISSIVE I WILL LOSE MY OWN SPIRIT.

No, being submissive to your husband will NOT do this. A proper husband will never take away from your soul or spirit. If you have trouble trusting him in this regard, it is time to evaluate why you do not trust him, and make a change. He will empower your strengths, embolden you in femininity.

IF I AM SUBMISSIVE, WHAT I WANT WILL NO LONGER MATTER.

Not true. Submissive does not mean that you cannot speak your wishes, desires, and needs. It simply requires respect. Let me give an example. Sally wanted a new computer to run her business. She asked her husband if she could have it, not giving him a whole lot of information on how she would pay for it. He was skeptical on the output of money versus how she would repay the savings account. He said, “I am sorry, I think you will have to save for a while.” She added, “Well I can repay the $350 in two months by selling my products. If that doesn’t pan out, I have a back up plan to sell my old XBox to repay.” He considered their budget and decided she was right. She had a good plan to repay their savings. Furthermore, if he says NO, you must trust that he has the best interest of his house and family in mind.

IF I AM SUBMISSIVE, I AM NOT STRONG

Not true. It is the epitome of feminine strength to rear her children properly while following her husband’s lead to create a wonderful home and family. Hello people…I AM THE STRONG HOMEMAKER. We all have different roles and responsibilities within a family. 

I am not perfect at this. In fact, at times I can be a bit too strong-willed and a bit mouthy. However, my husband is unafraid to put me in my place. I am not enslaved, I chose this lifestyle. I had some one comment that they felt sorry for me, as if this wasn’t a choice. I spent too many years trying to hold myself up, my family, and not allowing anything but MY WAY. It caused problems with my marriage, it caused problems within my soul. I finally let go of it all. I am more free than ever, and learning more every day.

For more on why letting a man lead matters, check out my blog post here. For an In depth look at what letting a man lead looks like, check out this post here.

6 Comments

  1. I loved this article. I am a “traditional housewife” people often times think I am nuts. I do things like greet him at the door, serve him dinner and so on. I do it out of respect and love. Also because I choose to.

    My marriage has lasted going on 28 years…while friends have been divorced and remarried…Some looking at divorce yet again.

    Not to say my marriage is perfect but respect goes a long way.

    1. Author

      Wonderful! I am so glad to hear of your experience! It is sad that being a good old fashioned wife is no longer the trend. The results of happy marriage speak for themselves.

  2. Very nice post. I too had to learn the hard way, unlearn everything that I was told was the way women should be. With my man, I have learned to trust, to lean, to love completely. I comply and submit because I choose to, not because I have to. There are areas in my life where I have to strong and assertive, but I leave that at the door when I come home. I love his leadership. He loves not having to worry about my end of the deal and I love knowing that his end is kept up as well. It’s a wonderful way to be.

    1. Author

      Yes it is a very wonderful life that is missed out on by many. Thanks for sharing your experience with me!

  3. I was starting to think that I was a little crazy for wanting to be “just” a housewife and mother. People used to ask me why on earth I wouldn’t want a career and were just shaking their heads at my choice.
    Thank you for sharing your experience. I enjoy being my husband’s wife. I enjoy being the mother of his children. I enjoy taking care of my family. I don’t feel like I’m missing out on anything.
    But again, this is my choice. I understand that some women prefer a different lifestyle and I would not want anyone to be forced into this.

    1. Author

      I used to feel shamed as well. I finally decided to stand in my Choice with pride. You are right. People have a choice, I do not shame others. I think a career can be possible as long as it isnt a detriment to the family. In my eyes, that priority should be at the forefront. Glad you enjoy my blog!

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