Okay, I admit, I struggle with self worth and have from a young age. I will not explain how I got where I am. Dwelling on such things is honestly how I got here. I am not a very confident woman in many areas. Let me be honest here and say this trait bothers my husband. It bothers him that he has such a good wife who fails to see her own goodness, and chooses to only focus on her short comings. It has even gone as far as to anger him. (There are no images in this blog post for a reason. These words are too important for any distraction. I know I am not alone in the struggle to feel worth it.) For more on personal growth check out my blog on Regrowth vs Reset.
Today, I woke up to a very passive aggressive attack on social media. The person did not even have the fortitude to say the things they had to say to my face. For the sake of being an adult, I am not going to point fingers and say “WHO DONE IT” and I am not going to delve into details that would further point out this person. What I am sure of here was that the attack comes from a person who chooses not to take responsibility for their own life and choices. I am sure that this person has done it to many in his/her circle. Instead of taking responsibility for the baggage that is theirs, they choose to shift blame to others. This is clearly not the behavior of a lady or gentleman.
I saw this mindless nonsense this morning on social media and instantly was enraged. I kept typing things back to the person, but in the end deleting them before sending. All I could think of is “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.” Some of you may counter me with, “You have the right to defend yourself.” Yes, I most certainly do. However, is blasting my anger on social media really a lady like way to handle things? After all, isn’t that what the individual did to me that irked me?
In reality, I have said my peace to the individual in question. The fact is, at this point, many people have had their moment to explain their problems to this person. He/she chooses to continue to project all of their life’s problems on everyone else instead of looking in the mirror.
Something Changed Within Me
Here is why I am telling you all this. Deep down, I know the problem does not lie with me. Yet, this morning, in my anger, I chose to take it personally. This morning, in my lack of self confidence, I chose to be hurt by such words.
Something changed as I sat there stewing. I began to ask myself why I was so angry? My answer: Well they are wrong. They are making me look bad. Suddenly, reality set in. The only person that looks bad here is the person attacking others on social media.
It then dawned on me that I am looking at EVERYTHING wrong. I deserve to believe in myself. I deserve to feel good about myself. I should not ever let some one else define what is good and right. I should not ever let some one define how I view myself. Most certainly this is true when the other person cannot view the world outside of a skewed perspective.
Here is the reality, I spent my life allowing people like the individual today define how I look at myself. I have made decisions based on how others would view me. I began to value myself when I became a submissive wife, against the modern day grain. I began to make my own decisions on what I think is good in my family and marriage. Of course, judgement came with that “old fashioned” decision.
Today, I am setting down this extra baggage of what everyone else thinks of me. Trust me, it is a lot of baggage to carry around. Starting today, I don’t care how anyone views my life. Do they really matter? No. At the end of the day, the people in these four walls matter: husband, children, and my dogs.
Here for a Reason
Let me level with you ladies. I was born at 28 weeks, 2 pounds, 8 ounces. My mother was a smoker, a drinker, a drug addict. (Though I cannot speak to whether or not she did drugs while pregnant. She did smoke 2 packs a day.) My father was a drunken, drug dealing, abuser. She was put into labor early when he stomped on her, right below her sternum. Obviously, the smoking did not help my lung development. God wanted me here. At 6.5 months, I was given up for adoption, given a better life. Thank goodness because all of my full siblings are dead: running from the cops or drug overdoses. My half siblings all have drug problems and are in prison somewhere, save for one who is an amazing chef and made something of himself. I have been through trial after trial in life. GOD WANTS ME HERE. So, today, I stand in the full glory of God and his potential for me to do great things. No longer do I fear my enemy. No longer will I rot worrying about what others think of me. I am going to do my best, ask forgiveness for my flaws. I am heading toward what the Lord wants me to be.
I honestly do not know where to begin this journey other than to tell myself, “I AM WORTH IT.” Also, I will be praying for the Lord’s guiding hand.
What Does this Have to do with Homemaking?
You might be scratching your head wondering what this has to do with homemaking. EVERYTHING. As a woman, not being confident in who we are, indirectly, calls into question how our husbands chose us…our husbands who believe in us. Even worse, as a parent, our lack of confidence can rub off onto our children.