Real Struggles with Me Time
Ladies, you read my preachings quite often on self care. Read my article on practicing self care here. You might think I am an expert on the subject. Yes, I am an expert but I am not a good follower of my own advice. I have a me time dilemma. Right now, I am trying to allow myself some down time. My husband is away fishing for a week. I keep finding myself feeling like there is something I should be doing…..for my house, for my kids, for my husband who isnt even home. In my heart I feel nervous and anxious.
I cannot possibly be the only one going through this, so I will share my raw experience. Maybe you can learn something from my thought processes. Maybe I can learn something from you.
First, I am trying to dig into why I feel this way. The first emotion I feel is guilt. Why? My gut reaction, “because I am lucky he is here. He deserves my best. Without him, my kids wouldn’t be here.” The guilt buries me alive as I sit here. “Because I don’t deserve the greatness in my life.” I suffer from being a failed perfectionist. Let me be present in this moment and say, those thoughts make me want to cry.
Next, I’m going to try and make this sound rational. I work my butt off 7 days a week, 365 days year taking care of children, husband, 2 dogs, and to fill in where my husband cannot. This seems like a perfectly good reason to relax while I have one less responsibility. While he is away fishing, he has his veteran buddies helping to give the care he needs, to help him with things he cannot do on his own. So, in reality, I know it is okay to just be right now.
If you are in the same boat, I get it. It’s a struggle. It is impossible to ignore that voice. So it seems what is necessary is to change the narrative. It seems I need to keep telling myself to just sit down this week while I can, to relax while I can.
Besides, will my husband be unhappy if not everything is perfectly in place? No. These are unrealistic expectations I set upon myself in order to prove to God that I am worthy of my husband so that he won’t take it all away from me. Yes, that sounds crazy. I almost lost him once. I feel like God was using this experience for me to grow, and for a time, I couldn’t understand what he was going through. It took me time to snap to the new man that came home. This man was separate from the boy who left, separate from the man he became in Iraq, and then thirdly, the man he became when he nearly lost it all. (It wasn’t like he discussed it.) Somehow, I feel if I do not do this right, I will actually lose it all. I have to tell myself none of that is realistic.
I have to tell myself that God knows I try so hard. I have to tell myself it is okay not to be perfect. I am strong. Many of us experience a me time dilemma, share your story in the comments below and how you cope.
(Edit:This spelling bee queen spelled dilemma wrong, So I had to fix it)