I Want to Do What You Do: Be Submissive
Recently, I have been thinking about how to answer the questions I often get from women who want to transform their lives, women who want to be “submissive.” For some, it is a big jump. For others, it is about subtle changes. By the way, if you want to read more about it, check out The Surrendered Wife by Laura Doyle.
Question: Where Do I Begin?
This is a question I find myself getting asked often. Well, I think there is an organized way to do this. I don’t think it wise to simply wake up and decide “TODAY I AM OLD FASHIONED.” This sort of willy nilly behavior will land you into quick return to your old ways. First, write down what “traditional wife” means to you. You need to clarify your expectation of yourself as a “traditional wife.” I am going to give you examples of a few lists, so you can see that traditional means different things to different people. These are FICTIONAL examples
- Dress and wear makeup every day
- Make 3 meals a day from scratch
- Be a bit more docile toward my husband when he has different ideas than me
- Be submissive both sexually and as a wife, let him lead
- Take his words as gold
- Make a hot dinner for him to come home to
These lists have different goals in mind. For one it has a sexual element. The other is about being more open to his ideas. So ask yourself, what do YOU want?
Why Do I want to Be Submissive?
Now you know what you want…WHY do you want it? You want to know how many times I have heard “To change my marriage”. This is one of the reasons I became full heartedly into this. A marriage where two people are butting heads is not often a happy one. Once a woman accepts her new role and a man who accepts his place, things change. Trust me.
Speaking of a man accepting his place, I think its time to bring it to your husband once you have all of these steps complete. You can try and change everything on your side, but without your husband on board, the change may be one sided. I have seen it happen. “I have been super submissive and my husband isn’t doing _________________________(fill in the blank)_______________________. My next question is, did you tell him? No is usually the answer I get. Well, men certainly are NOT mind readers.
Go To Him
So, go to him. Tell him of your feelings and why you are into going towards a submissive lifestyle. I would not lay into him about some long list of expectations you have for him. You are not relinquishing control of him by doing that. You are still telling him what to do. I would say something in the vain of, “So, I from now on will look to you to lead.” Then, discuss what he thinks leading is. Let him speak, and feel free to then insert your ideas as discussion points, not lists telling him what to do.
Know Your Goals
If you are working, and one of your goals is to be a stay at home mom, I would NOT suggest dropping that ball on him either “Oh, I quit my job today” is not the way to go. I would say something like, “Hey, I would love to stay home with our children. I understand we will lose income and I don’t need to quit right away unless you say so, but I am willing to make the following changes to allow us to meet our goals.” Have this part of the conversation planned. Don’t forget to ask his goals.
Sometimes, if this catches your husband off guard, it is okay to put a pin into this. Share your ideas and your feelings. Then say, “I would like to give you some time to think about it. Lets talk about it again on Saturday night after the kids are in bed. You can think about what your goals and desires are with this idea.”
Question: Does He Just Change? Is Everything Going to Be Okay?
Does the man just….do it?
No. The answer is no. He is going to fall on his darn face. AND SO WILL YOU!!!!
For example: Linda gave her husband the budget and full control of the money. On Saturday afternoon, the lights were turned off. It was his job to pay the bills! WHAT THE HECK? She was mad, she had vacuuming to do, dinner to cook, and no power. She called her husband at work on her cell phone, and yelled at him in an unladylike manner. ” YOU IDIOT YOU DIDN’T PAY THE POWER BILL!!!!!! I HAVE NO LIGHTS!!!!!!!”
Failure Can Create Strength
There will be times he fails to meet an obligation and there will be times you fail to keep your mouth shut from unnecessary yelling. There will be all sorts of mistakes. These lifestyle changes don’t just happen over night. Check out my journey to submission. My husband has made his mistakes, and we have had to recover together. It is not easy. See our Turbulence and Forgiveness.
This Is not an Instant Fix or a Cure-all
If you think that instantly this is going to fix your whole entire marriage, you are wrong. See, at first, many couples have a honeymoon phase with this sort of lifestyle. Everything is better, even often in the bedroom. Then, there is a bump in the road. One that threatens to make both of you forget your place. Hate to say it, but you both probably will. You have to press on, you have to forgive one another and keep at it. You have to remind each other of the goals you have together.