The Toll Complaining Takes on A Marriage

effects of complaining in marriage

I Had to Be Still

I had to be still and pray for a moment today before writing this blog post. This post is based on an event that occured in my life today. Sometimes, as women, we need to just be still and watch what unfolds around us. My husband and I are volunteering for Veterans Community Response. My husband serves as a peer mentor, and I help in the kitchen feeding all the hungry veterans. (To learn more about what Veterans Community Response does, please visit Now, that I have found clarity, I will share my lesson on the effects of complaining in your marriage.

Two hands praying--effects of complaint in marriage

The Cause

My husband has a lot of back pain and possibly a rib out, I cannot be sure what is wrong with his side at the moment. He asked me during some downtime to rub his back. My response was less than gracious. I said something to the tune of, “What would you do if i wasn’t here, like I normally am not? Is this why you took me with? I don’t want to rub your back.” I think there may have been a sentence or two more, but I do not recall.

effects of complaining in marriage--very ugly

Real gracious and wonderful wife material, right? No. I ended up rubbing his back, but my complaint hung in the air like the thick smoke that is surrounding Pinelow Conference and Retreat Center in Washington. It left a bad taste in his mouth. Clearly, this action that I took was a mistake, and I hope on my journey to being a submissive, vintage, traditional wife…..I hope that you can learn from this. In fact, this lesson can help any wife, no matter the path that you choose.

The Effects of Complaining

Here is what I witnessed in this short interaction between my husband and I. It caused a sort of tension, a bit of distance, a bit of him maybe feeling like I do not care about his pain. He got a bit short. I ended up dozing off after rubbing his back. He left without a kiss, without an I love you. No, folks, don’t get too upset. He still loves me, but a man who is hurt is not going to go out of his way to show you his soft side. It brings to mind a video I recently saw. A dog walked up to a duck. The duck played dead. The dog lost interest and walked away…..followed by the duck jumping up and waddling away into the sunset alive and well. It is a similar defense mechanism with humans. I can imagine that asking for help, knowing how I have been helping others must have been hard for him. Instead of answering with love, I chose complaint.


effects of complaining in marriage

How Bad Can it Be?

This was only a small incident, but it really called my heart to pay attention to what was and is before me. Imagine how this one incident affected us. Now, imagine if you are one who complains often. I do not consider myself to be “a complainer” but now with eyes open, I see how all of this can cause a man to play dead, to shut off any feelings that would require vulnerability. After all, if he loves a woman he does not want to see her unhappy to a point of complaining. Not to mention, consistent whining and complaining can be a real turn off. It honestly would have been better received if I had just said, “No not right now, maybe later.” Still better, “Yes, but maybe not for a very long time.” The complaining is what shut things down.

So, ladies, I appeal to you. The next time you are about to open your mouth in complaint as I did today, re-think. Find a new way to respond to the challenge ahead. Take time to cherish what you have and respond to your situations with that in mind. (Visit my post Cherish What You Have for more.)

1 Comment

  1. Lovely post with a great reminder. Everything you wrote is so true.

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